You know those people who always seem so pulled together – clothes that fit perfectly, never a hair out of place? I am not one of those people. But I always aspired to be one!
For many years my “pulled together girl crush/idol” was a colleague at my former firm. Her suits fit perfectly. She always wore hose that never ran and heels that never seemed to hurt her feet. As a bonus, the universe blessed her with gorgeous, curly chestnut hair and bright blue eyes. So I made it my goal to be as put together as her.
I rarely saw her inside the office. That was a “me” issue, not a “her” issue. In those days, I was closed off physically and emotionally. I would go into my office, shut the door, work for 10 hours, open the door and rush off for daycare pick up.
At the time, I rationalized my behavior as being busy and wanting to get my work done so that I could leave the office in time to pick up the girls. But that was only partly true.
The bigger truth was that I purposely avoided my colleagues, including my idol. I never tried to get to know anyone because I assumed no one would like me. I thought I was inadequate. I assumed rejection. And that rejection would hurt way too much. So I opted out and benched myself before I even tried.
I am not the first person to play this game, and I certainly will not be the last. Fear of failure is one of our most basic and primal fears. Every one of us has been a lesser version of ourselves as a means of protection. Every one of us has played small because playing big was not a risk we were willing to take.
I ultimately switched firms and lost track of my idol – until about a year ago. I turned to LinkedIn to connect and network during the pandemic. And there she was.
I discovered that my idol had realized that being a partner in a law firm did not make her happy. So she left. She became an editor for a legal publisher. And she founded her own phenomenal business, JMT Speaks, through which she delivers keynote addresses and signature talks to share the lessons learned when she leaned into being her authentic self. Her mission with JMT Speaks is “to help professionals become their best, authentic selves so that they can excel in their careers and find more enjoyment in their daily lives.” And wow, did that resonate! And it also led to the unexpected – I made an effort, and we reconnected.
Actually, and more accurately, we connected for the FIRST time. We started talking through an occasional LinkedIn comment. But then, over time, we started to communicate more directly and genuinely.
I realized that we had so much more in common than I ever imagined: a love for reading and writing, knowing the disappointment of achieving a lifetime goal only to discover it did not make us happy, and the ability and willingness to change and start again.
The power of human connection based on shared experience gave me the joy that is truly knowing the amazing Jennifer Marino Thibodeaux. The real Jenn is so much better than the imaginary Jenn that I had created in my mind. And that says a lot because the imaginary Jenn was pretty spectacular!
I also realized – – yet again — what a disservice I had been doing to myself for all of these years by closing myself off. Yes, I protected myself from rejection, but at the expense of my overall well-being. I steered myself away from some of life’s joy in exchange for safety. And I lost so much because of it. That is a pattern that I am trying hard to stop.
Would Jenn and I have connected if I had been more open all those years ago? I have no idea. But I got lucky and life gave me a second chance to know her. I am so grateful that we are connected now and are there to support each other in our journeys. Love you, Jenn.
Post-script: I would be remiss if I did not share a little about the extraordinary Jennifer Marino Thibodeaux! You can learn more about Jenn, her mission, and opportunities to hear her speak through the ,JMT Speaks website. I also encourage you to subscribe to Jenn’s ,blog and her ,newsletter. Finally, you also can connect with her through her ,LinkedIn page, the ,JMT Speaks LinkedIn page, and ,Instagram.
